So, as the description says, my blog is not JUST for my picture a day posts. It's for musings of a traveling college student. And I've been doing a lot of musing over the past week and a half as I try to comprehend something that happened.
On St. Patrick's Day, a friend of mine died unexpectedly. I am NOT going to go into details here because it's still very painful to think about, and even harder to talk about, and I'm leaving the person anonymous, but chances are if you visit my blog regularly, then I talk to you a lot and you already know.
Anyway, over the past week and a half a lot of things have been running through my head and I think I've gone through every emotional state one would expect to go through when they have someone close to them die. Now I can't say that this friend and I were CLOSE close, but we were close enough. I worked with him in high school. We both went to the same college. We lived in the same building this semester. When we did talk/hangout/whatever you want to call it, it was never very long, but it always left me smiling or laughing. It was good times.
One of the last things this friend said to me before spring break was that I was a tough cookie. I know I usually am, but right now it's hard to be that tough cookie when I have so many questions running through my head...questions that only my friend and God know the answers to. Why did this happen? Why did he even let himself get talked into this? Why did it end the way it did? What was he thinking? Did he realize what was happening? Did my friend ever realize how many people cared about/loved him? Did he know it was going to end the way it did?
But the question that keeps running through my head over and over and over again is WHY. Why why why why? "Why?" has me heartborken. Confused. Upset. Sad. Slightly angry (but I can never bring myself to stay angry...it usually lasts about 30 seconds and I'm back to being just utterly confused). "Why" also has me wondering why I never said everything I know that I should have said. I can't say that I would feel any better now had I said everything at some point in the past because chances are that I'd feel just as bad, if not worse. But it was stuff that I know needed to be said, stuff I know he probably already knew, and if he didn't he knows now. I'm confident in the fact that he's gone to Heaven, that he's still with me, his family, and all of his friends that are going through the same thing that I am now. I also know that even though he's gone now, that I'll see him again someday. God's got a bigger plan in all of this. I just don't know what yet..."and I know you're shining down on me from Heaven, like so many friends we lost along the way, and I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day..." -Mariah Carey and Boyz 2 Men
I think I definitely learned something from all of this though: Live life to the fullest and say what you need to say.
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